The Pitfalls of Romantic Love
Do lemme know wat you think of it..
The Pitfalls of “Romantic” Love
by Herbert Zerof
The collapse of love, prolonged or sudden sends couples into emotional turmoil. Hurt, angry & frustrated, one partner recoils and says the words that supposedly end a relationship: “I don’t love you any more.” But contrary to popular belief and poets’ immortal words, this sentence can signal the beginning of solid bond, one in which intimacy is found.
I am not an enemy of romantic love. It makes us all feel good to both express and receive it. But it is frequently vaporous and empty, especially when combined with unrealizable hopes. Like paramours in a Russian novel partners who pursue this fantasy never seem to find each other. Romantic love – often unrequited and bittersweet – can confuse the real meaning of caring. Here’s why:
“Love” is unrealistic:
A scene with two lovers silhouetted on a beach walking hand in hand into the sunset conveys all the idealism of romantics. But people don’t live together that way, except on holiday. Rather, they are at close quarters, where they can see each other’s pimples, wrinkles and sags. The romantic vision only separates partners further, since they try to grasp a mirage rather than the real person. The dream must be relinquished in order to enjoy the real thing.
Finding real love means abandoning the mystique of romantic love. What are the qualities you enjoy in each other? Hold on to those as a basis of contact for both of you. The here and now can bring pleasant experiences. Then love takes on known realities, and liking, caring and sharing become part of intimate concerns.
Love expects too much return:
Whether intentionally or not, “love” seduces couples into making serious demands. He loves her and can’t understand why she wants to get away. “Why won’t he leave me alone?” she says. “I can’t do anything without him tagging along, and when I don’t feel the same way he does, I feel guilty.”
Partners in marriage must allow space between themselves so that their relationship can breathe. Caring is letting go, not holding on. There is an undeniable balance in living together and, like the motion of a see-saw; one person alone can’t make it work. The giving-and receiving movement keeps it going. To feel special or importance to a companion is the wish of most humans. But to be possessive to the point of paranoia is self-defeating.
Love wants unconditional acceptance:
“My wife doesn’t understand me!” a husband complained. She sometimes refused sex or was a reluctant participant. Her partner knew she dint want relations as frequently as he did, but he couldn’t tolerate her indifference or lack of desire. What he dint recognize was that he was expressing his exaggerated expectations that his wife love and accept him unconditionally, and he attached this need to sex.
All of us feel that we’ll find a partner who will give us everything we’ve missed un life. Love seduces us into believing that this fantasy will come true. But the most we can expect is a companion who is compassionate and understanding.
One of the important sings of maturity is the realization and acceptance of the fact that no one will ever fully understand. As a pair, you must enjoy and accept what you have, however imperfect, without always demanding more.
Love expects you to be a mind reader:
Couples are fond of reading thoughts in one another’s mind and expect their partners to sense their moods. Deep down, this offends our integrity, love or no love. Yet it is practiced daily.
A wife greets her husband when he comes home from work and is insulted because he doesn’t comment on her new hairstyle. Instead of asking, “How do you like it?” she expects him to notice it. He is equally irritated because she doesn’t see that he’s worried about a bad day at the office- without him saying so.
Unless couples learn to be direct about their feelings and desires, communication remains complicated & garbled. Partners stumble and fall over unspoken messages. Love must not tempt us into believing that mind reading is apart of living together. Openness brings the cool relief of intimacy.
Love fosters subservience:
Traditionally, males were indoctrinated to protect females. This created havoc in marriages by settling up an imbalance: the strong male and the docile female. Neither partner really felt like playing these roles, but both were nagged by the felling that they had to.
Today males and females are starting to accept the fact that they are human, with similar intellects, needs and emotions. Partners may not be equal in talents or tasks, but they are equal in their human needs. Once this is realized and fairness has been established, a pair will enjoy a sense of unity.
When either mate consistently presents himself or herself to the other as frail and helpless, both are heading for trouble. The only kind of love that works allows both partners to feel esteemed and important. When a mate cares, the strongest support is provided by a few words and a willingness to listen, not by always doing something for the other.
Love refuses to change:
“Why can’t things be like they used to be? Why can’t we go back to the way we were?” but all the pounding on the doors of time can’t bring back one second of the past intimacy. Unless companions live together in the now, they cannot live together at all.
A couple married two years, both busy with responsibilities and the challenges of unexplored careers, suddenly realized that their relationship had changed. Panic set in. quick attempts were made to recapture that lost glow, but the feelings simply were not there. They grieved over the good times experienced in the past, and the demise of their love seemed like a death.
Many couples are caught in this bind, never realizing that transitions are not endings, and that new beginnings can follow. Close relationships moult, just as snakes shed skins. Once this husband and wife let go of the past they learnt to enjoy each other again through a variety of new experiences. Enjoying the present permits a comfortable nostalgia for the old.
Love means I’m always right:
Many couples expect me to judge whether they are right or wrong in certain specific contexts. Many of the issues presented are matters of personal preference, rather than those that are intrinsically right or wrong. Both partners are right in the way they feel. Feelings cannot be argued; they can only be accepted or rejected.
Partners get in trouble when they fail to separate thinking from feeling. There can be no arguing about the way they feel, while ideas can be argued. Emotions are tied to self-esteem, and expressing understanding of another’s emotions is the beginning of psychological equality.
How important is being right to you? Have you learnt to allow your companion his or her feelings, even though you disagree, perhaps even violently, with the opinions expressed? Bonds are strengthened when couples can accept each other’s feelings without being threatened. A mate is allowed angry feelings differing opinions, other friends, or occasional thoughtlessness.
Trust each other’s overall behaviors – all the gestures, thoughtfulness, words and deeds – to convey the caring that leads to intimacy. Real caring can be expressed without the need for the constant repetition of “I love you” as reassurance.
These reasons why “love” creates problems in a close relationship indicate that it is unnecessary to intimacy. Human closeness comes naturally when it is not confused with or sabotaged by the abstractions of romantic love. When two people come together through kindness, tenderness, liking and caring, they can discover an intimacy that endures.
Reader’s Digest (July 1979)
Apr 08
In short way
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